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If you think you may be experiencing
relationship abuse...
Do:
- Think about what you want in a relationship, even if you’re not in one right now. How do you want to treat your partner, or be treated by her or him? Thinking about what you want out of a dating relationship helps you to clear your mind and set limits or “boundaries” that can help you say no or stop if your partner is doing something you don’t like.
- Trust your instincts. Not 100% feeling the relationship all of the time and arguing are normal parts of any relationships, and healthy communication -- talking and listening -- helps sort out the good, the bad and the ugly parts of relationships. But abuse is crossing the line from bad communication skills to someone actually getting hurt. If something feels wrong in a relationship, it probably is wrong. Know that it is okay to break up with an abusive partner at any time.
- Talk to a trusted adult. Dating can be confusing, and it can be easy to confuse jealousy with love. While talking to a friend your age is good, sharing your thoughts and feelings with an adult that you trust to be open-minded and non-judgmental -- like a family member, a teacher or a counselor -- is even better.
- Create a ‘safety plan’. Even if you’re not in a relationship, it helps to think of how you might try to stay safe if you ever find yourself in a dangerous or risky situation. Where would you go if I ever feel threatened? Who would you tell?
- Get help. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger, or 311 or 800.621.HOPE if you just need someone to talk to and are too upset, angry or confused to talk to someone you know.
Don’t:
- Don’t blame yourself. Even if you follow all of the "Do" tips, you might still find yourself confused or too scared to leave an abusive relationship. When someone abuses you, it’s not because of anything you did wrong, no matter what other people may say. Abuse itself means having something done to you against your will. No one “asks” to be abused, and the only thing that will stop abuse is for people to not be violent.
- Don’t keep fear, anger or sadness inside through isolation. Staying connected with friends, family, coworkers or counselors -- your support network -- is an important part of a safety plan. An abusive boy/girlfriend may try to pull you away from people you know and trust, or you may pull away yourself because you’re afraid of what those people might think if they were to find out something about your relationship. Remind yourself that you are not alone, and there are people out there that care about you!
- Don’t “fight fire with fire.” When an abusive boy/girlfriend starts yelling at you, fighting you, or hurting you in some way, it’s easy to have the urge to give them back what they’re giving to you. This is revenge, not self-defense, and while it’s understandable to want to hurt someone that has hurt you (or something or someone you care about), fighting back may escalate the situation. Self-defense is about working to get out of a dangerous situation, not about wanting to hurt someone.
And most importantly…
- Don’t “settle” for someone that is violent or abusive. Everyone gets messages from television, music, movies, and even from families, friends, and places of worship, that to be in a relationship means that you are “complete.” While relationships are a normal part of our lives, abusive ones are not. Choose being single and safe over being in an unhealthy relationship, and if you feel trapped, remember that you can get help. Talk to someone or call 800.621.HOPE -- you can get out.
We all deserve to be in loving, respectful, healthy relationships!
We all deserve to live free from abuse!
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